Sunday, December 12, 2010

Pretty Hot (You Know, for a Fat Chick)

So pretty crazy stuff happened last week. On Thursday, my oldest sister had a doctor's appointment. While there, they checked her blood sugar and discovered it was really high. Should be in a coma high. Needless to say, her life changed immediately. She's checking her blood sugar all the time, quit regular soda cold turkey, and has to shoot up insulin. (This is all the more impressive when you consider her fear of needles.)
My whole family is diabetic. Both sides, generations back. She's the first of my siblings with the official diagnosis (though I am "pre-diabetic" which is like saying someone about to jump off a cliff is "pre-dead"). And I am newly motivated to stop being the fat chick on her way to being a diabetic, blind, footless fat chick.
Those of you who know me know I've had a massive existential crisis over the last year as well as some health issues. In Olympia I was living on 1,244 calories a day. This is enough calories to live on (obviously) but is just over the minimum. It also kept me hungry because most days, 100% of these calories came from peanut butter sandwiches. While I may have been losing weight rapidly, I was also unhealthy and heading for extremely so. I feel like I've gotten back to normal now, though unfortunately that also means fat and oversugared. The thing that bothers me about this is that personality wise, I am not a fat girl. Now that sounds bizarre, maybe, but think of it this way. What would happen if Cameron Diaz and Queen Latifah switched places? It just doesn't compute, no matter how hot they both are. I feel the same way about my fatness. I don't want to be loud and proud and bootylicious, for the same reasons I don't want to be skinny, cute and approachable-I'm just not. (I like to think of myself as sensual, witty, and mysterious.) Some girls talk like they don't think they're cute/hot/whatever and then their boyfriend tells them they are and they believe him and end of story. I already know my kind of sexy though, a guy who thinks I'm hot because I have a belly actually makes me feel worse about myself because I don't like it. So this year I've been trying to emotionally approach some semblance of wholeness. I've let go of knowing what the future holds (which is not easy to do when you're quasi-psychic) and I'm working on just going for what I want NOW. I'm trying to stop thinking "When I'm a grown-up" and just go play at it now. So I'm gearing up for a lifestyle shift. No more starving in the woods, or trying to deny my romanticism in the city. No more not dancing when I want to or eating cookies just to be polite. It's all going to be faith and fearlessness. I started with a food diary last Friday (no judgment, just observation) and that's my plan until school starts. I also made a collage of motivational images (like Adriana Lima's figure, radishes, cute boys, leeks, belly dancing scarves, farmer's markets and little d&g dresses) to hang around my mirror. Because when I look in it, I don't want to think, "Pretty hot (you know, for a fat chick)." I want to feel like "Hey, that's me. What's next?"